FUNNY JOKES
A man travels on a ship.
Two days in, the ship encounters a storm and drowns.
Hanging on weakly to a piece of the mast, he manages to survive and gets washed up on an unknown island.
Only problem is, it’s so unknown that no ship ever comes near it.
10 years pass on the island, and the survivor has been alone all this time, that is until one day, he suddenly notices an unusual speck in the distance.
“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself.
No ship has ever come.
As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it’s a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a beautiful blonde woman wearing scuba gear and a wet suit.
She approaches the man, who can’t believe his eyes.
She tells him she has a boat nearby, and she just took a swim.
The look of the poor man makes her feel a great wave of pity for him.
“Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” she asks the man.
“It’s been 10 years,” he replies. With that, the woman reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of cigarettes.
The man takes one, lights it and takes a long drag.
“Man, that is good!” he says, sighing in pleasure. “And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?” the woman asks.
Trembling, the castaway explains that it’s also been 10 years.
Sure enough, the woman reaches over, unzips her right sleeve and pulls out a flask.
The man opens it and takes a swig. “This is the best day of my life,” he says, grinning.
The woman starts unzipping her long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and looks at the man seductively.
“Now, how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” she asks seductively.
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs.
“Dear lord! Don’t tell me you’ve got a game of twister in there!”
Ted comes home blackout drunk, as he does most nights.
A guy goes to the psychiatrist.
“Doctor,” says the guy,
“I feel as if I’m two different people! Two totally different personalities!”
“Do you think I need help?”
“Can you help me?”
“Am I doing the right thing seeing a psychiatrist?”
“Whoah! Whoah! Whoah!” says the doc.
“Please, one at a time.”
A Chinese man boarded a flight to Chicago and promptly sat down on the first seat he encountered.
He was soon told that seat was reserved for flight attendants.
With his limited English he did not fully understand what he was told but hand signals soon got him to move a little further back.
Soon there was another person persuading him to move out of first class.
Again he moved further back.
There was yet another discussion and he took no further chances and went to the very last seat in the tourist section.
Some time later a flight attendant asked him if he was ‘for coffee’? Furious he replied, “You for coffee, I stay ah he.”
A Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… like I said.
My boy’s names Graeme, a typical County Clare baby boy.” Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you?
Everybody’s been making’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks …. so how much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.” The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born.”
The father takes a slow swig of his Jame-son Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had Graeme circumcised.”
Three married men are sitting in a pool club and arguing over who has the worst marriage.
One of the men says, “I have it the worst.
My prudish wife won’t sleep with me more than once a month!.
She refuses!” The other men shake their heads.
One of them asks, “what did you do about it?”
The man says “I slept with that horny blonde over there by the pool table.
Unlike my wife, she’ll do anything.” The men laugh.
The second man says, “You think that’s bad?
My uptight wife won’t even sleep with me once a year!”
The other men shake their heads and one of them asks, “so, what did you do about it?”
The man says “I got my rocks off with that same slutty blonde over there by the pool table.
She’ll literally do any guy.”
The men laugh, then the third man says,
“That too bad for you guys, but honestly,
I definitely have it the worst.”
The men say, “what’s the problem with your wife?”
The man says, “Well for one, she’s always down here playing pool.
A blonde walks into a doctor's office
One day a blonde walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asks her what had happened.
She says, “well… when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and
I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone.
“Well that explains one ear, but what about the other.”
“The b**st**rd called again”
She told her mother
Mike said to Charlie the bartender
Mike said to Charlie the bartender.
“Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the my wife.”
“Oh yeah?” said Charlie “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Mike replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”
“Really,” said Charles, “now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
“She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’”
Dan married a woman with an identical twin
Dan married a woman with an identical twin.
Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
“Tell the court why you want a divorce,” said the judge.
“Well, your honor, every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife looked exactly alike, every once in a while I’d end up making love to her by mistake,” said Dan.
“Surely there must be some difference between the two women.” the judge said.
“You’d better believe there is a difference, your Honor.
That’s why I want the divorce.”
A wife comes home late one night
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say hello?”
A hotel guest calls the front desk
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, “May I help you sir?
The man says, “Yes, I’m in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out of the window.”
The desk clerk says, “I’m sorry sir, but that’s a personal matter.”
The man replies, “Listen, you idiot.
The window won’t open.. and that’s clearly a maintenance issue.”
A male patient is lying in bed
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
‘Nurse’, he mumbles, from behind the mask.
‘Are my privates black?
‘Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ‘I don’t know, Sir.
I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.
‘He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, please check.
Are my privates black?’
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his privates,
she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his privates in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says,
‘There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!’
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:
‘Thank you very much.
That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely…… ‘Are my test results back?”
A man walked out into the street
A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by, what luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.
“Perfect timing,” the cabby said. “You’re just like Bill.”
“Who?” asked the man.
“Bill Smith. There’s a guy who did everything right,” the cabby said.
“Like my coming along when you needed a cab, it would have happened like that to Bill every time.”
“Nah,” the man said to the cabby. “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Bill,” said the cabby.
“He was a terrific athlete, he could have gone on the pro tour in tennis.
He could golf with the pros, he sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.”
“Bill was really something, huh?”
“Oh, yeah,” continued the cabby.
“Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody’s birthday, he knew all about wine, which fork to eat with, he could fix anything.
“Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out.”
“No wonder you remember him,” the man said.
“Well, I never actually met Bill,” said the cabby.
“Then how in the world do you know so much about him?”
“I married his widow,” replied the cabby.
My boss phoned me today
My boss phoned me today.
He said, “Is everything okay at the office?”
I said, “Yes, it’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day; I haven’t stopped.”
“Can you do me a favor?” he asked.
I said, “Of course, what is it?”
He said, “Hurry up and take your shot; I’m in the foursome behind you.”
A guy stops by a cafe for breakfast
A guy stops by a cafe for breakfast.
After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip – three pennies.
As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, “You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves.”
The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him.
“Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?”
“Well, this penny tells me you’re a thrifty man.”
Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, “Hmm, true enough.”
“And this penny, it tells me you’re a bachelor.”
Surprised at her perception, he says, “Well, that’s true, too.”
“And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too.”
A man walked out into the street
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A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by, what luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.
“Perfect timing,” the cabby said. “You’re just like Bill.”
“Who?” asked the man.
“Bill Smith. There’s a guy who did everything right,” the cabby said.
“Like my coming along when you needed a cab, it would have happened like that to Bill every time.”
“Nah,” the man said to the cabby. “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Bill,” said the cabby.
“He was a terrific athlete, he could have gone on the pro tour in tennis.
He could golf with the pros, he sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.”
“Bill was really something, huh?”
“Oh, yeah,” continued the cabby.
“Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody’s birthday, he knew all about wine, which fork to eat with, he could fix anything.
“Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out.”
“No wonder you remember him,” the man said.
“Well, I never actually met Bill,” said the cabby.
“Then how in the world do you know so much about him?”
“I married his widow,” replied the cabby.
A husband suspected his wife
A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him.
He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied,
“I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house.
The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his weapon.”
Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home.
At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird, “Did anything happen today?”
The parrot said, “Yes, the milk man came over.”
The man asked, “What did he do with my wife?”
The bird said, “I don’t know; I got hard and fell.”
A man goes to see a wizard
A man goes to see a wizard and says,
“Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?”
“Maybe,” says the wizard,
“Can remember the exact words of the curse?”
The man replies, “I pronounce you man and wife.”
A man comes home
A man comes home, finds his wife in bed with another man, and asks,
“What is this?!?”
The wife turns to her lover and says,
“See, I told you he was stupid!”
A husband suspected his wife
A man walked out into the street
A guy stops by a cafe for breakfast
The Older Man Boasts To The Doctor
A 92 year old man went to the doctor for his annual check-up.
The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 92 year old said, “Things are great, and I’ve never felt better!”
“I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child.”
“What do you think about that, doc?”
The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story.
“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.”
“One day he was setting off to go hunting, but being a bit absent minded, he accidentally forgot to take his ammunition.”
“As he neared a lake, he came across a very nice beaver frolicking at the water’s edge.”
“By now, he realized he had left his ammo at home, and so, he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.”
“Nonetheless, he lifted his favorite hunting rifle, aimed down the sites, and yelled ‘bang bang’.”
“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver was slain.”
“Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.
Theelder man scatched his chin thoughtfully, then said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor nodded,
“My thoughts exactly.”
Guy Gets Even With His Wife In A Crazy Way
I said, “WHAT? Then what was all that about?!?”
Then she uttered the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear…
“You're just not in touch enough with my emotional needs as a woman, for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”
She saw my puzzled look and said, “Can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I decided to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her “we'll just buy them all”.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That's fine, honey.”She was almost nearing ecstatic satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don't feel like it.”
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT??!!!”
Then I said, “Really, honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while
You're just not in touch enough with my financial needs as a man, for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, “Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
Jar And Two Beers
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers:
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him
When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls
He then asked the students if the jar was full
They agreed that it was…
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar
He shook the jar lightly
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls
He then asked the students again if the jar was full
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and oured it into the jar
Of course, the sand filled up everything else
He asked once more if the jar was full
The students responded with an unanimous “Yes”…
The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand
The students laughed…
“Now!” Said the professor as the laughter subsided! “I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life
The golf balls are the important things your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car…
The sand is everything else the small stuff…
If you put the sand into the jar first”…
He continued
“there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls
The same goes for life
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you..
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness
Spend time with your children
Spend time with your parents
Visit with grandparents.
Take time to get medical checkups
Take your spouse out to dinner
Play another 18
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal
Take care of the golf balls first the things that really matter
Set your priorities
The rest is just sand!”
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.
The professor smiled and said! “I'm glad you asked!
The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend!”
Substantial penalty for early withdrawal
We could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex.
Everyone would pay their fair share
Young people would pay more taxes and your tax liability would decrease as you got older.
The tax would also promote family values.
How would you like to come home to your wife and have her ask,
“Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine?”
Or be a teenager and come home to find your dad with your tax bill in his hand.
We wouldn’t have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be paying to work there just so they could review peoples returns.
Locker room conversations would change.
“Get a load of this Hollywood tax bill!”
The forms would change a little also.
We would now have a 1040 Quickee.
And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase,
“Substantial penalty for early withdrawal”
Bets
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.
She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000' The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money
The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye
She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?'
‘Certainly', replied the president
‘I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' ‘Done', the elderly woman answered.'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ‘ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.
‘No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before
Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc
so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.
‘Of course', said the president
‘Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile
Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.
He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, ‘Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.'
The Priest Lights A Fertility Candle For The Married Couple
An Italian Funeral
I Would Like To Withdraw Two Pounds
An old Man walked into the bank and stood in the queue, when it was his turn he handed his bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw two pounds.”
The teller told him, “For withdrawals less than 100 pounds please use the ATM.”
The old man wanted to know the reason for this.
The teller returned his bank card and told him, “These are the banks rules & rules are rules, now sir, please leave if there is nothing else i can help you with, there is a queue behind you and you will find the ATM outside.
The old man remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “yes can i withdraw all my money.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She shook her head, leaned over and whispered, “but sir you have 80.000 pounds in your account and the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?”
The old man then asked, “how much can I withdraw today.”
The teller told him any amount up to 5000 pounds.
“Well, better give me 5000 pounds just now”, The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to him.
The old man put two pounds in his wallet , stood a couple of seconds before asking teller to deposit 4998 pounds back into his account.
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